rekindling.....

i hate life....

you know wat happened? well, mr. j and mr. n actually punked me! and damn was i scared... like... seriously scared.... i was cryin...(dat was mr. n's work) then after a while, i started pouring my heart out... all the sorrow... all that grief started pouring out like a thick stream of honey.... and i didnt realize that mr. n and mr. j had switched places and i didnt realize that i was pouring my heart out to mr. j... i was so extremely dumbfounded... i didnt know wat to do or wat to say. all i could do was cry and sob. i had no other way to describe the intensity of the way i felt. the level of guilt and sorow flowing and entoxicating my blood. i couldnt bare it. i knew it was mr. j on the other side eventhough i could not see him. i trusted mr. j. Besides that, i occured to me that he was actually crying. i couldnt believe that this fiasco was taking place. it was so real yet incredibly unreal. i couldnt do anything else but cry. he kept asking me how i could have done such a terrible thing to him. even i didnt understand how i could have been so extremely cruel. i knew i was bad but i didnt know how bad. it never struck me that i could be this bad. i didnt forgive myself for 2 weeks. on the first day of the 3rd week, i received a msg from mr. j telling me no to be incredibly sad and miserable and he also asked me to move on and start studyin. but i knew that my studies were there and this fiasco wasnt getting in the way of it. i still cant accept my actions. however i know that i have to move on. i know that mr. j will slowly move on. i also know that i will always be able to talk to mr. j. he assured that. he is nice to talk to when he decides to talk. but otherwise, he is one extremely quiet man. yes he's a man. he isnt a boy. he is a MAN.

i confronted mr. s about what happened in front of mutiara complex. i told him almost everything. i didnt want to tell him everything because i dont have evidence that puts him in the safest of places. i will never forget what he did to me or what happened to me that day.


its nice having people to talk to. they tell you about their perspectives and their beliefs. and i appreciate my friends for that. they are the best(4th with the 1st being my mom,2nd dad, 3rd bro). i sometimes get really fed up of talking to girls all day. you know why? because ive been studyin in a girls school ever since i was in standard 1. these are the effect. catastrophy. i would prefer being in a co-ed school. more freedom, more responsibility and more experience and not to mention more fun. somehow, i find boys to be much more adventurous than girls. no one knows that i was actually a tom boy when i was in primary school. i had short hair, wore baggy tee's and huge jeans. but ive certainly changed now. but somehow, the way i talk and act still remained the same. i sometimes think like a boy(except the part of me being extremely and utterly emotional about the slightest of things) and i also tend to talk like a boy sometimes. it depends on my mood. but im definitely a girl. no doubt about that.

i hate studyin yet i sometimes miss studying. i feel bored when i dont study and yet i sometimes REFUSE to study. actually to tell you the truth, i will never start studyin properly until the last minute. especially for agama islam.

i need to start improving my level of english. im still my regular old self with all the stupidity and catastrophies and crapping but just with more polished english when compared to last time. yes mother... ive finally seen the light =S =S

i dont know what i wish to do when i grow up. but like as though im not already a huge buffallo. i just dont know what field to major in. i think i may do either photography or maybe even mass comm. ive heard from many people that mass comm is a very good choice of field. but we may never know until next year.